Today I want to tackle a personality trait, that I am showing, too.
It took me ages to even see it and have it a bit better under control!
What do I mean?
I mean being a perfectionist.
We live in a culture that values perfection, and that leads us to believe that doing things perfectly leads to happiness and success, so it may be a surprise to many that the opposite is the case!
There is a significant connection between depression and perfectionism!
But first things first:
What is a Perfectionist?
A perfectionist is a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. In psychology, perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by “a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.”
To a perfectionist, anything that’s less than perfect is unacceptable.
I wanted to know it a bit better and asked the universe (Google), why some of us are perfectionists.
What I found was this:
Our childhood experiences, as well as genetic influences, largely determine the burden of intrusive thinking we each experience. The pressure to perform generates intrusive thoughts in the young mind and will linger for the remainder of his or her life, unless recognition of dysfunctional thought patterns are recognized and addressed.
I love this highly scientific speech. (I meant that ironical 😉 )
No normal person understands what they are saying…
So, let’s see, if I can translate it:
All the experiences that we have made in our childhood, as well as our genes which we got from mom and dad are responsible for us being perfectionists or not.
Bummer.
Yeah, unfortunately with those learned habits we are under the pressure to perform and this pressure stays with us, until we die. We tend to blame ourselves for something we are not entirely responsible for.
Unless we recognize that we are perfectionists and try to do something about it.
For example, some of my perfectionism comes from my mother:
Whenever there was a birthday party or a Christmas celebration upcoming, the house would be decorated, the food prepared, the table set perfectly, and the house cleaned meticulously until the last minute. Even while partying, my mother hardly celebrated with us, as she had tons of stuff to do in the background, so that the party would be a success and no-one could complain.
As I threw my own bigger parties, I found myself to do the exact same thing.
This also includes my own wedding!
My husband and me married before our daughter was born but never had a party with all our family members. So, I found myself organizing our big wedding party by myself.
Everything had to be perfect….
While my guests enjoyed the party, I was sitting in a different room, tired, breastfeeding a 7-month old baby and tried to calm her down, so that the babysitter could take over and I would enjoy the party… well, that didn’t really work as planned.
But not only that:
whenever I was developing a new training, it had to be perfect.
I was twitching and tweezing it until it was the best I could offer. A lot of times, I spent many many hours, days and sometimes even months creating, editing, and then refining my course materials before putting them out there.
And after I held the seminar, I was not pleased with it.
I did sooo many mistakes in there – stumbled 3 times over my tongue! (can you imagine?!) – that I was frustrated with my incompetence.
Every time I conducted a live seminar, I would spend another few days and sometimes weeks improving and upgrading the seminar based on the participants’ feedback or the mistakes I spotted myself.
And since video is the new norm and some of my courses are prerecorded by now…
Oh bummer…
I found myself rerecording so many tries, which in the end took me additional hours to get something done, if at all.
But why exactly is perfectionism bad for you?
Thomas Curran and Andrew P. Hill, of the University of Bath and York St John University have done a meta analysis over studies which were conducted between 1989 until 2016. They were measuring the rates of perfectionism over the years and what effect it has on people.
The results are pretty disturbing:
First of all, they found that perfectionism is linked to a wide range of mental illnesses, including depression, social anxiety, claustrophobia, anorexia, insomnia, and even self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.
They also found out, that rates of perfectionism are increasing, especially among young people and even children!
Katie Rasmussen who researches child development and perfectionism at West Virginia University remarks that as many as two in five kids and adolescents are perfectionists.
Sarah Egan, a senior research fellow at the Curtin University in Perth who specializes in perfectionism, eating disorders and anxiety reported, that there are studies that suggest that the higher the perfectionism is, the more psychological disorders you’re going to suffer.
But why is it bad for your happiness if you are a perfectionist?
Well, first of all, you should know, that some researchers say, that there is a ‘healthy’ perfectionism.
It is characterized by having high standards, motivation and discipline.
There also is an ‘unhealthy’ version, when your best never seems good enough and not meeting goals frustrates you.
Let’s take a closer look at the unhealthy one:
- Being a perfectionist makes you think you are never good enough.
When you expect perfection, you are setting a standard that is unhealthy. You’re setting yourself up for failure and that is self-defeating and demoralizing - Being a perfectionist feeds stress, depression, anxiety and other mental health issues.
Stress increases the cortisol level, and your happiness carriers are dampened. - Being a perfectionist makes you overlook the positives.
Perfectionism can cause you to focus too much on the negative. You may overlook the good things about yourself or your life and you don’t see your own worth. - Being a perfectionist is counter-productive and can impact on your performance.
For example, you might procrastinate by waiting until something’s just right before taking action. And then you are already so late, that you rush to complete a task and don’t do your best. Alternatively, you don’t take action or work too slowly. Things don’t get done and you remain stuck. - Being a perfectionist is challenging
Because it is pretty difficult to meet the goal of being perfect, or even of reaching your personal best you put yourself under constant stress. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, and has been linked to outcomes such as sleep disturbances and low self-esteem.
How about you: Are you a perfectionist?
If you are wondering whether or not you are a perfectionist, there is a good chance you are, at least to some degree.
Do you often seek to achieve a perfect standard in your work?
Do you feel a need to perfect every single thing you do, even at the expense of your health and well-being?
Find out, how much of a perfectionist you are with the following test:
What does your score mean?
If you scored between 32 and 65: You probably know that your perfectionistic tendencies cause you stress and complicate your life in some ways, but you probably don’t realize the extent of perfectionism’s negative effects on your lifestyle and stress level. Take a look below to find out, what you can do to lower your perfectionism.
If you scored between 18 and 31: You strive toward perfection, but you have a healthy understanding of what is and isn’t possible. You are also able to enjoy the ride without being too upset with the results. Good for you!
If you scored between 0-17: Based on your answers you are definitely not a perfectionist. You might even be a lower-than-average achiever. If you are happy with your relaxed life, then don’t change a thing! However, if you are invested in working harder and achieving more, just bear in mind that it is best to congratulate yourself on your wins, learn form your mistakes, and enjoy the ride.
Here are a couple of traits perfectionist have:
- There is no room for mistakes.
Whenever you see an error, you have this feeling inside you, which tells you that you have to jump on it and correct it. - You have a very specific manner in which things should be done.
As long as something doesn’t conform with your approach, it is notacceptable for you. - You have an all-or-nothing approach.
It’s either you do everything well, or you don’t do it at all. Everything in between is a no-go for you. And it is possible, that one negative event may trigger a cascade of intrusive thoughts which generalize misfortune into all aspects of your life. For instance, a screwed-up task may generate a stream of negative thoughts along the lines of “I am no good,” “I am a lousy”. - It’s all about the end result.
It doesn’t matter for you, what happens in between or what it takes to achieve your goal. - You are highly critical of mistakes.
Even if it is not your fault or just a teeny, tiny thing that went wrong – you beat yourself up pretty quickly and feel extremely bad about that mistake for a long, long time. - You believe that there is a “right” and “wrong” way to do most things.
You don’t see that there might be several different ways to achieve the same end. - You become extremely down and/or depressed when you don’t achieve your goals.
You often chew over results that don’t turn out as planned. You keep wondering “What if?”. - You have extremely high standards.
Whatever you set your mind to do, you always have high targets. Sometimes, these targets stress you big. You may end up breaking a neck just to reach them. At one point, you become held back by these standards as you procrastinate and stop working on your goals out of fear that you can’t reach them. - You are highly judgmental and critical.
You want perfection not only in what you do but in everything around you. You quickly criticize any errors made by those around you. - You constantly spot mistakes somewhere, while others don’t see them at all.
While this can simply mean that you’re just very detail-oriented, perfectionists often spot mistakes, issues, from a mile away. - You become defensive.
If anyone points out any errors or makes any criticisms about your work because it implies that you were not or are not perfect. - You think asking for help is asign of weakness.
You believe that if you can’t do it all, then you can’t be perfect and that isn’t acceptable. - You often spend ample amounts of time just to perfect something.
That’s the reason, why you often sacrifice your sleep, your personal time, and well-being, just to bring your work to the highest level.
How can you stop being a perfectionist?
If you see some of form of perfectionism in you, please don’t despair. Recognizing that a change might be needed is a very important first step.
- First of all you should recognize perfection as a problem
- Start setting realistic goals for yourself
- Look for the positives in yourself and your life
- Think of mistakes as lessons
- And stop procrastinating.
In my private life, I started to slowly ease my perfectionism.
I try to be content, if not everything is perfect and I enjoy my parties and not stand in the kitchen the whole time anymore.
I guess a big part of my perfectionism by now is because I’m passionate about giving my best to everything I do.
I think, when we set ourselves to do something, we should do our best without compromising or giving excuses.
So, my seminars will still be prepared like crazy before I conduct them 🙂
But that is a free choice by now and not a must anymore.
How about you?
Where do you show perfectionism and how exactly does it look like?
Please share it with me in the comments below.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi, I’m Caydee Schwarz and I write about personal development, success and happiness.
Let’s be honest: all of us want to live a happy life and fulfilled life. And every day, a lot of us fail in our attempt to get there. Our thoughts, the right inner attitude and the right knowledge empower us to create our life according to our wishes. Knowing what our mission is and what makes us truly happy is the foundation to a happy and fulfilled life. I’ll help you lay that foundation – so you can live the life you want.